The other night I lay down beside my son after reading him a bedtime tale of ten tiny tadpoles; as I gazed into his sleepy eyes I found myself wondering “did she know? “ (She being my late mother) did she know what she was doing? Back then, back all those years ago when I lay in her arms looking up at her Feeling so safe, secure and warm with the certainty that everything was and would be okay.
But now I’m the one laying there with this gentle little child looking up to me, to keep him protected, safe, secure and warm. He counts on me everyday to make sure that everything is and will be okay. And that scares the hell out of me!
When exactly did I grow up enough to be the mother, the parent with child in arms looking to me for knowledge, for guidance?
And sometimes I find myself worrying uncontrollably whether or not I am strong enough to provide this, because it’s just me. I am all my son has!
What if I get it wrong?
What if some mistake I make now is the cause of some drama for him in the future. Don’t get me wrong I think most people in life become a little Freudian and set about blaming the MOTHER for things in their life’s that didn’t quite turn out the way they planned, God knows I did, my mothers and her death was a huge excuse for many of my screw ups, Some warranted some not.
When you grow up and consider the idea of becoming a parent you never image the enormity of it, just the day to day stuff. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but like labour
I had no idea it would be this hard. however this of all the roles we have in life I truly find the most rewarding and fulfilling, Because to have the honour of watching my son grow and develop is the most amazing gift that I have ever been fortunate enough to receive.
Ok so now I’m being soppy but trust me there is no other way to say that without a little bit of soppy coming into it.
But I think the answer is all we can do is just get on with it, try our best and learn fast from the mistakes much like everything in life. Because worry and fear are ugly they renders us trapped and too scared to try any longer, and that’s probably when the future drama starts to form their roots. Because if we become to scared to try then we give up and to give up means to accept that we can not be better or do better and when there is a little one depending on you that is not a choice we should ever consider taking.
But back to the question at hand, “did she know? “ I bet she didn’t have a clue isn’t that great she blagged her way through it and learnt as she went along as I suspect everyone does, with bits of guidance form here and there and that’s what I’ll do and that’s why we’ll be okay!